I Am Completely Stupid in This Area of Life

So today I'm kicking my own rear end on the Stairmaster, when what to my wondering eyes do appear through the doors of the gym, but a 40-year-old man and his 5-year-old son, both carrying fake swords. They quickly look around and then book it into the empty yoga studio, where they proceed to fence for at least a half hour. 

During this time I feel disturbed by the following visuals:  

1. a grown man in elastic-band sweatpants, wielding a fake sword

2. the fact that he is owning it like a samurai

3. the intensity with which the small child boy and his dad are fighting. At several points they battle each other until one is laying on the ground with a sword pointed at his neck. I feel like I'm watching Lord of the Rings.

As I continue to master the art of stair-climbing, my eyes go back and forth between the ecstatic look on the boy's face, and the intense, there-will-be-blood look on his father's face. I can't decide if he is the coolest dad ever, or a potential sword-flailing child abuser.

When I finished my workout, all sweaty and disgusting, I head back to my own apartment building, where I see Tony Soprano's twin, and his son, silently stalking back to their apartment door. After twenty seconds of silence, Tony mutters, "C'mon," and thumps his awkward adolescent son on the back. Then he heads into the apartment. His son, Smalls Soprano, looks awkwardly at me, and then kicks off his snow boots and heads inside after him. I get in the elevator and ride it up the the second floor, because I am extremely, extremely lazy outside of actual "exercise time." 

As the bell rings and the doors close, my mind comes to this ugly realization: 

I do not understand men AT ALL.

If my mom had said to me when I was five, "let's fight with swords," I would have run away crying. She scared me enough with the angry face she used to make while she was vacuuming. 

And there is no back-thumping in girl world. We are gentle. We don't whack each other on the shoulder blade. That form of non-verbal communication doesn't even exist for us. 

I have so much to learn and understand. Ugh.

More on this later.