Pity Party

My life is punching me in the face. 

Today, I read something in the news about a really great Christian guy I used to be friends with. He was recently charged with trying to have inappropriate relations with one of his students. I knew this guy--he was that guy who would say hi to me and I'd blush and get all stupid and announce to my friends that he was the sweetest guy I knew, and that any girl would be lucky to have him. And now I'm straight up in shock. We're all one step from falling. But it breaks my heart.

I talked to a my friend Cory at work about it, and he told me that all guys are disgusting perverts. 

This did not make me feel better. 

Especially because...

This week I had to end a dating relationship with a boy who is very much my best friend. A really, really, really good guy.

And apparently all guys are big pervs, so I'll never find someone else as great as him. 

See where I'm going with this? Selfish-all-about-me-party-of-one-please. 

Kill me. 

We're both sad. So freaking sad. But the Holy Spirit wouldn't stop prodding us towards this. We're at peace now. But good Lord have I cried a lot this week.

And I cry ugly.

Ah, excellent. I almost forgot. On the same day that we broke up, I also found out that my dog, Bailey, who's been my bestie since I was eleven, is being put down this week. That's right. My DOG is going to DIE. 

So anyway...

I've spent a good chunk of this week feeling bad for the state of the world and (mostly) for myself, because that's what you do when you go through a breakup. You watch The Office and lust after Jim and Pam's relationship, you eat (or you stop eating), you workout because you figure no man will ever want you again if you become a big fatty, you work your tail off at your job because you realize that work is the most stable relationship in your life, you make "Breakup Playlists" and you sing along with them to yourself at said job, you hermit yourself in your apartment and play Spider freaking Solitaire while you think about all of the productive things you should be doing instead, to better yourself, and then in turn you think about all of the things that are missing from your horrible, awful, pathetic life. 

Like I said. My life punched me in the face this week. 

Alas, in the middle of all this crizzap, I would be a big fat liar if I didn't say that I've felt God take care of me, his most needy of children, in enormous ways this week. I've been re-reminded that I have beautiful friends who (unfortunately) will not always let me wallow in my own pathetic-ness, but instead, drag me out of my home and straight to places like Sephora and Urban Outfitters, and speak words of love and truth to me about Jesus and about how things are going to be okay. 

(They also allowed for some incredibly narcissistic photo shoots, just for the heck of it.)

Instagram makes me look so much cooler than I actually am. I should really get myself an iPhone.

Oh wait. I'm completely broke. Neat. My life is neat. Wah wah wahhh. 

But anyway, I'm not done with my list of things I'm thankful for.

I have a family that loves me more than I've been able to understand in the past. 

I have a job I actually like. (How many 25-year-old American females can say that?)

I have a solid hope for an incredible friendship with the boy I thought I'd marry for a while. 

I have a kick@$$ roommate. (It doesn't count. I didn't actually swear.)  

And I've heard God tell me every single day that His plan ACTUALLY IS better than mine is. Especially since His works out and mine never does. 

I've been reminded that in all of this--in the shock over what happened with my old friend from college, in this recent letting go of a possible future with someone, and most importantly, in my everysingleday failures, past and present, I am covered by the grace of Jesus Christ. Jesus' grace is bigger than my pity parties. His love for me is bigger than my selfishness. And the forgiveness he handed me so many years ago is the gift that continues to give me hope. The grace of God is bigger than all of our failures. He gets us through even the hardest of crap. 

Welp, my office is ten billion degrees. I must leave this place.  I have a whopping 14 hours before I have to return, and I want to use them wisely.